So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
