my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
