I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
