Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
