Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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