I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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