theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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