Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
