I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
