mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
