She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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