You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
