Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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