I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
