he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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