shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize