Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
