kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
