Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
