PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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