I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
