my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
