I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize