I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
