I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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