All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
