I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
