I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
