she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
