okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
