his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize