defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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