I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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