we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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