I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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