...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize