Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
