So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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