I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
