Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
