So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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