this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
