Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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