If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
