You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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