i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
