Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
