I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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