omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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