im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
