so explain again why im purple
no
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
