Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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