Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
