i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's rum buckets o'clock
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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