Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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