I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
