she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
