And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
