I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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