you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize