She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Randomize
