dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize