All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
