did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
